Understanding Your Sexual Desire
It is not unusual to wonder if your level of sexual desire is “normal”, and unless you’re lucky enough to have a close group of friends who can talk about issues related to sex and desire, people often feel isolated in their wondering. Popular media often publishes articles on how much sex couples “should” be having, however this sort of absolute “there is one right model for everyone” opinion is rarely helpful. And then of course there is desire outside of coupledom, and ideas about what one “should” be doing with their “free and easy time”. Clinical Psychologist Ashley Depasquale discussed what the research says about the experience of wanting, libido, and what might impact your experience of sexual desire.
What is sexual desire: Sexual desire, or what we might refer to as our ‘libido’, is our experience of ‘wanting.’ That is, our experience of wanting to engage in sexual activities and receive sexual pleasure. It is common for our sexual desire to change throughout our life. When we experience changes in our sexual desire, particularly when our desire decreases, this can lead to stress, sadness and frustration. This can be even more apparent when we are in a relationship with someone we love or care about and who we want to be sexually intimate with. One of the most important things to know if you are struggling with your sexual desire is that there is nothing wrong with you. This is normal and there are different ways that you can work on this.
The different types of sexual desire: In order to understand our sexual desire better it can be really useful to understand how desire works. People can experience desire in two key ways; spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is often the kind of desire we hear talked about and depicted in romance movies and in the media. Spontaneous desire involves experiencing desire in anticipation of pleasure. The feeling of desire appears to pop up out of nowhere. You might be sitting at a cafe sipping on a coffee and a thought about sex appears to randomly pop into your mind and suddenly you have a desire for sex. Approximately two thirds of males and one third of females experience desire in this way. Alternatively, responsive desire occurs in response to pleasure. We experience pleasure and this then leads to feelings of desire. It is important to note that responsive desire does not mean we should start having sex or engaging in sexual activities, even if we don’t feel like it, in the hope that sexual desire will then show up. Responsive desire involves putting in some deliberate effort to create a context that allows for pleasure. This might look like cuddling your partner, just laying in bed and chatting or having a bubble bath. The context that allows pleasure for you will be completely different to the context that allows pleasure for someone else. The right context can then create a space for desire to occur. Approximately 5-10% of males and between 20 - 60% of females experience desire in this way.
It is common for us to shift between experiencing spontaneous and responsive desire at different points in our life. For example, when we are in an exciting new relationship spontaneous desire is more likely to occur as opposed to responsive desire, which is more likely to occur in a long-term relationship. Both styles of desire are normal and healthy.
What impacts desire: Lots of different things going on in our life can impact our desire. Here are a list of a few:
Factors that may decrease desire:
- Stress: Research has shown that for up to 90% of people stress is a factor that will lead to a reduction in desire. This could include stress about work, finances, our relationship or even stress about our desire.
- Worries about desire: Placing pressure on ourselves to improve our desire, often leads to further stress and thus lower desire.
- Life changes: Transitions in our life or changes in our relationship can also cause stress, for example moving in with a partner, having a baby or moving interstate.
- Mental health: Experiencing depression and anxiety leads to a reduction to desire, in addition to low self-esteem and poor body-image.
Factors that may increase desire:
- Relationships: Being in a new and exciting relationship or being in a relationship with someone who we trust and can be vulnerable with
- Sex: Engaging in new sexual experiences and exploring sexual fantasies
- Support networks: Feeling well supported in regards to our physical and mental health, and having supports around us we can connect with
How to improve sexual desire:
So, how do we improve our sexual desire, if that’s what we want?
Eliminate stressors: We can start by trying to eliminate stressors in our life where we can, although this can be hard as stress can be an inherent part of life
Find ways to manage stress: Where we can’t eliminate stress, we can learn different ways to manage our stress. This might look like exercise, meditating, finding creative outlets or connecting with the important people in our life. Finding what works for you is key so spend some time trying to figure out what helps to regulate your stress
Figuring out contexts: Spend some time asking yourself what contexts in your life make pleasure feel accessible and then create more of those contexts
Connect: Have some conversations with your partner about what’s going on for you, if this feels safe and supportive
Take off the pressure: Remind yourself that it is totally normal and okay to experience changes in your sexual desire. This doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you
Engage with supports: If you have tried some of these things and still feel like you are struggling engage with some professional supports for additional help
Author: Ashley Depasquale
Clinical Psychologist
