Being 'With Family' Over the Holiday Period
If you’re anywhere between 15 and perhaps 50, you most likely to know plenty of people who have worked with a psychologist or counsellor, and possibly have had a stint of therapy yourself. We are blessed to live in an era where struggling alone is no longer admired, and people are encouraged to “work on their stuff”. Exactly what our stuff is varies from person to person. Sometimes it is coping with the after effects of being “the most locked down city in the world” for two years, sometimes it is to cope with what are now commonly known mental health problems such as anxiety or depressions, and often it is to work out how to live with years of generational trauma in a world that expects you to have “worked on It”.
Often our clients talk to us about how as they “do the work” of psychotherapy, they change. Individuals develop insight into the internal experiences and behavioural patterns that keep them stuck, or make life, and their mental health difficult. This is growth. It is hard work, often includes deeply uncomfortable moments, and often, so worth it. When we have worked hard to achieve anything in life, let alone personal psychological growth, we want to enjoy the fruits of our labour. We, which is so wonderful, share our therapy journeys. We change some of our friendships, we set new boundaries with our bosses, we understand our attachment styles and change what we bring to our relationship dynamics. Where we must, we might even walk away from situations which no longer serve our new selves. Again, it is not always easy, but growth isn’t. The healthier relationships we (hope to) find are worth it.
Now this might sound a bit utopian, and we certainly don’t perceive that one course of therapy means life is forever roses and sunshine. Especially not in Melbourne’s poor excuse for Spring, and now Summer. However, we wouldn’t be in our jobs if we didn’t believe that psychological interventions helped people improve their experience of themselves, and of life and the ever-important need for interpersonal connection.
What we do hear from many people however is that as they grow, the gap between them and their family of origin also feels more difficult to bridge. Generational patterns, often influenced by generational trauma, are often deep and entrenched. Even the most evolved might find themselves reverting to childhood patterns the moment they step back into the family home. Often our clients share that when they attempt to set boundaries or call out conversations they no longer feel comfortable with, they are accused of being overly sensitive or too “woke” for Christmas dinner. Now we don’t believe that one should stay in any abusive relationship. Blood, while important, does not dictate an obligation to be anywhere that is harmful. However, for many, while our families might be tricky to spend time with, there are many reasons we turn up anyway.
So, how do you support yourself to cope with being with the tricky parts of your family this holiday season?
Know your triggers
Are there people who are likely to say and do distressing things? Have a plan about how you might handle potential interactions – whether it’s avoiding particular people, a nod to a partner who might come to your aid or get clear about how you might express yourself.
Anxiety can be your friend
Listen to that little ball of anxiety in your stomach! The earlier you pay attention to anxiety, the easier it is to manage, OR use it to identify potential conflict. From there, you can take action. While we don’t want to mind-read or predict the worst, it might help to discuss with your psychologist or a trusted friend how you would like to respond before attending functions, that way you don’t need to decide what you want to say while emotionally aroused.
Practice assertive communication
Honouring your needs as well as understanding another’s facilitates positive interactions. “When you said ‘X’, I felt hurt (honouring your feelings), can you help me understand why you might’ve said that? (invite collaborative approach)”.
Know when anger turns into aggression
Anger is a (healthy) feeling, whereas aggression is a (maladaptive) behaviour. Try get clear on how your body experiences anger (heat in your body, voice firms, tension in your arms / legs). If you notice starting to be unable to hold the physical feeling of anger in your body – it’s about to turn into aggression, in which case do some breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, go for a walk, or use your other grounding techniques.
Make room for different perspectives in the one relationship
Real intimacy starts when two people feel able to have different perspectives in the one relationship. This strengthens understanding which minimises the chance of conflict and anxiety.
Saying ‘yes’ to yourself as well as others
Leaning into what others want (or expect) and ignoring what you want isn’t empathy – that’s just self-neglect! Contemplate what you want – and then consider that in any healthy relationship there is compromise. Seek to understand what compromises you are willing to make, and where you need to put your needs first.
Plan time-out
When we are reunited with family we used to live with, we can fall into the same old dynamics (we all had a ‘role’ to play in our family units). Be wary of falling into unhealthy patterns and plan time-out or some time to yourself to re-energise and clear your mind.
Practice and express gratitude
Most people arrive to their days with good intentions. While our human brain will scan for threat and focus on what might or is going on, try and zoom out and also pay attention to the members of your family, or the aspects of your circumstances that you appreciate. This can help balance your emotional experience and support you to enjoy the positive parts of your holiday traditions.
Authors: Deb Newburn & Anthony Couroupis
Clinical Psychologist